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Finally, a paper I feel good about. 3 down, 2 to go. Labels: musings
I'm slowly coming round to see that... It's been a good week of discovery. I'm happy. :) Labels: musings
Labels: musings
Labels: musings
Talented are those who wield words with such power. Labels: musings
Of late I've been meeting people who've introduced me to a world vastly different from my own. The world of sex, drugs and booze. Labels: musings
I set off from home in the morning, rather eager to see more of Singapore after nearly a year's absence. Would I find many changes, or would it all still be familiar? From the start, I did what I used to do - run for the bus because waiting for the next one would make me late. Tapping my Ezlink card was just like the old times, watching TV Mobile was the same. When I changed bus, I was so happy to see that 151 was double-deck and air-conditioned! No more hot and stuffy single-deck buses, I hope. Labels: musings
I had a most lovely buffet dinner at a hotel with my uncle and aunt this evening. While I'd always been somewhat intimidated by my tall and cool aunt, tonight I realised that something has changed. Labels: family, Japan, musings
だるい。
Looking through some of the photos taken in the past few months made me miss those times so much. All the holidaying with good friends, taking silly photos, having a blast no matter where we went... Where did those times go to? I miss the holidays, the travelling, the feeling that we had all the time in the world to enjoy each other's company and to do whatever we wanted.
I can't sleep. Labels: musings, relationships
Drinking to drown one's sorrows.
I'd just ended a call with my mom, and it made me think that it gets lonely in Japan sometimes. Home in Singapore was such that when I walked out of the confines of my room to the kitchen to get a drink, I'd see my mom in there preparing dinner, and I'll interrupt by chatting. Or she'll be on the sofa watching tv, and I'll plonk myself nearby and spoil my mom's me-time. Home in Japan is one room, four walls, and nobody waiting for me when I get back from school. Freedom comes at a cost - less warmth. I spend a lot of my free time in my room twiddling my thumbs, or watching drama after drama. Although I spent a lot of time in my own room back home too, the difference is in knowing there's company when I step out. There would never be a case when I'd spend the whole day not talking to anyone. Labels: family, friends, musings
Nothing is for sure.
What is it like to be on Death's doorstep? Labels: musings
I say all sorts of unpleasant things in a fit of anger, but as time passes and the anger recedes, everything just seems so silly. Some words can be taken back, painstakingly edited a few times until most of the heat is removed from the words. Others, they are heard immediately. That's why it's better to just shut up when I'm angry, before I say things I don't feel comfortable with in a few days.
We've really become adults. Labels: musings, relationships, work
Kaori is addicted to blogging! The sheer number of words is getting to be overwhelming; Maybe I should go out to take pictures so that I'll have some to post.
There are so many shades to this feeling called 'unhappiness'. Labels: musings
There are some things I'd like to erase from my memory. When I cast my mind back, I try to skip that embarrassing phase. Selective memory, they call it? It really doesn't matter what people say about bad experiences, how they're learning experiences and all that. To the main player in that memory, it is embarrassing, period. Why would I want to take out memories that make me cringe? Labels: musings
It has been years since my childhood ended, and it always comes as a surprise when more details emerge that I knew nothing about. What we remember is from when we were old enough to. Whatever happened before, we know from piecing together third-party accounts and recollections. I wonder when I will have the most complete picture.
I grew up happy.
Unhappiness was trivial, when my simple wants were denied, but easily resolved. Since when did we start to consider others' feelings and put aside our own? I wish people were more careful with the way they wield their words. With the slightest misstep we callously slice people's feelings to ribbons.
Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost."
- H. Jackson Browne
... there are more facets to life than what I've been exposed to
... once you make a decision, you should stick to it
... happiness comes in unexpected forms
... change reveals parts of me that I never knew existed
... people aren't all that they seem to be
... I can forget wayward glances when I'm absorbed elsewhere
... stepping out of one's comfort zone is not necessarily uncomfortable
...
..
.
of what people think
of what was
of what isn't
of what might be.
That is one of the lessons I've learnt from cheerleading. Keeping that in mind, I wish I'm able to compartmentalise my life, so that this time can be set aside specifically to do A, and that time will be to do B. However, there were instances when I found my mind wandering to some personal issues in the midst of lecture, and I was thinking of what a shithead I was while simultaneously copying notes. Focusing and concentrating has been a problem, but even so, my mind has been on overdrive. Coupled with my hectic schedule and numerous commitments, it has been making me incredibly tired. Which makes concentrating ever more difficult. Here I am 18 hours into my day, taking a break by blogging, propping up my heavy lids with toothpicks to continue with my work later instead of going to bed.
"What am I doing?!" is a common refrain resounding in my mind of late.
A friend has an uncanny ability to sense when I'm not feeling at the top of my game, and always surprises me with the level of concern sent my way. If all aspects of life's a mess and I find it difficult to think optimistically as I usually do, I can at least think of others and feel happy for them, for whatever reasons. Projection of Kaori's wishes, x, onto the screen in the form of someone else, y. Econometrics. It's a good approach to take, removing myself from my own life and focusing on others instead. Being myopic and hung up on something isn't healthy, and it prevents us from seeing what's right in front of our eyes. If you're too busy feeling upset about A, it's difficult to be made happy by B, no?
I need a session of ohhmmm to clear my mind.
Freaking tired.
Blog surfing, I stumbled across one whose owner writes beautifully.
No word so redundant as to not add value to the whole entry.
I feel so much for him/her.
I will not hurt you so, I want to say.
I will be your forever, I want to say.
But I cannot promise something that I don't have faith in.
... Okay, maybe not that wild, but something very different from what I'm accustomed to. I have come to realise that there are many paths other than the straight and narrow one that I've been walking all my life. I'm coming to see people and life in a different light. When I asked what kind of vibe I give out, the answer was: an innocent one. I ought to change my perspective, really. Otherwise I'm just living in an idealistic world of my own and I end up feeling extremely let down and bummed out when I realise that reality is so much different from what I'd envisioned it to be. Or what I'd hoped it would be. I can't really live my life this way, can I?
Possibiilties - they are endless.
Curiosity - it is abundant.
There's this idea of opening people up to possibilities, to new experiences. To tempt people to break free of their self-imposed barriers to see something new, to try something new. When I stop to think about it, it is true that generally, people are bendable, girls especially. If it's not something life-threatening or law-breaking, it's tempting to dip a toe into the pool to test the water. There's a first time for everything. Then there are people who're around to goad you into succumbing to temptation, much like how a friend was poking her xiao long baos, short of waving them in front of my face, constantly teasing me me, "Are you sure you don't want them...?"
Minds are fertile grounds. Plant an idea, and watch how it grows!
As I walked down the corridors of the Arts faculty, there was a sense of novelty. Everything was the same, but it had just been so long since I walked those routes. In a strange way, it was lovely being back, but at the back of my mind I knew that I'd soon lose that sense of wonder; It will become very mundance, it will become the path I walk everyday with a lot of reluctance, thinking, "damn, it's a school day again".
When I was done with the briefing, I excitedly headed to Orchard. Can you believe it, I was actually looking forward to going to town! Instead of zoning out on the bus as I usually do, I kept my eyes peeled and focused out of the window, determined to scrutinise the landscape for any changes. The bus stop changed location, the shops inside Wisma are different, and Orchard MRT station had a makeover! Quite coincidentally Sarah was at Wisma so I managed to meet up with her for a while. The question I get quite frequently recently is, "Do you miss Japan?" So far so good, actually. I'm happy to be back. Yet when I was at Sony shop to send my phone and camera for repair, I had the realisation that maybe I'm not really acclimatised yet. Without thought, my answers to the staff's questions were in Japanese. I inadvertently said うんand はい, and on the whole it felt a little strange conversing with staff in English! While it was a refreshing change to hear English, Mandarin and other Chinese dialects in the bus and on the streets, I've gotten quite used to seeing, hearing and speaking Japanese everywhere. I need to get used to speaking English all over again.
On the way back, it was a little disconcerting when the train suddenly slid silently to a stop in front of me. Part of me was waiting for the announcement that said まもなく一番線に電車が到着します, but the train came just like that. Within the train, the voice making the announcements about the next stop etc was different, the things that were said were slightly different, even the door closing buzzer was different. Bishan station had a revamp too. All these made me realise that when we're around all the time, we don't take very much notice of the little changes that take place around us, because we see the construction and all that, and get used to the idea that there's going to be something new. For people who've been overseas, it's like there have been overnight changes, and it comes as a greater shock. I've a feeling I'd better get used to this feeling because I'll probably be seeing more changes as time goes by, and I go out to see more.
It's rather a pity that I only gained this sense of wonder after being absent for so long, and an even greater pity that once I get used to living here once again I will lose that wonder. Then again, knowing that, is there any way to deter that outcome from happening? I wonder.
One thing good about growing up is that it puts me on a more equal platform with my relatives. Previously when I came to Japan with my family and had my parents bringing me around and paying for everything, there was a very clear demarcation between adult and child. At that time the dependency on my parents was obvious, and in such instances, it was difficult to be treated seriously. When adults talked, children were marginalised, and we became wall flowers. Conversations between me and adults seldom went beyond "how's school?" and the like.
However, being in Japan alone this past year and fending for myself in Tokyo seems to have led to a promotion from a mere 'child' to 'adult'. I've been making my own decisions, food, travel plans etc, and while my relatives look out for me, it is clear that I can stand on my own two feet and am perfectly capable of carrying on a conversation on my own power. When I meet relatives, there's no more mommy or daddy to hide behind, so I become one of the main players in the conversation. Being recognised as an adult means that the conversation topics have broadened, and we talk about a greater variety of things instead of just school.
Being in the child category and adult category are two entirely different matters. On the other hand, it doesn't make that much difference whether one is a young adult, or an older adult. A child can be promoted to an adult, but once you reach adulthood, there's no higher stage. Hence with time, the gap can be closed, I can catch up with them. As a result, there's a greater sense of equality, and now I feel that more than smiling and nodding, I can jest with them. There's also a sense of coming onto my own. The passing years do not just add years to one's age, but also experience, confidence, and language ability.
Having said all that, while there's an implicit acknowledgement that I have grown up, nevertheless, my dinner was paid for by my uncle. =p
久しぶりに昔からの友達と喋って、楽しくてたまらない。懐かしい。
時間は矢のように過ぎちゃった。それにもう元のように戻れない。
この頃よく思うのは、悔いを感じたくない。なので、どんな事をしても、精一杯でやろうと決心した。たくさんのいい思い出を作りたい。
惜しい？「それをやればよかったのに」とは思いたくない。嫌だよ。楽しい事であれ、苦しい事であれ、全部心に刻んだ。
... 思い出す。
一生懸命希望を追ってる。これから何しようかな？どんな将来を待ってるかな？
... 望む。
急にドット疲れた。何でだろう。
Suddenly I dread the passage of time, because it means that as time passes, we forget. I also worry that if we don't catch ourselves, we will get lost in the mundaneness of day to day life.
I feel uneasy.
As I was lying prone waiting to be overtaken by slumber, I was suddenly aware that my mind wasn't clear at all. In fact, my mind was on overdrive; there were so many images running flitting through, images from the past that were probably triggered by certain catalysts. Which begs the question: Am I hung up on the past?
It is a scary thought, the possibility that that is the reason why I'm where I am now.
That's why in movies we see the depressed people knocking back glass after glass of alcohol to numb the pain and to forget one's worries. Not being under my parents' watchful eyes has made me more prone to drinking, and it doesn't help that Picaso sells alcohol so cheaply. So many times I want to reach to the kahlua bottle on my shelf, but am only stopped because the absence of milk means I don't have a mixer.
I was out suppering with a friend just now. If it weren't for him feeling sleepy, I would have happily ordered another mug of beer; I was enjoying the lightheadedness. Had I been feeling more inebriated, I would've poured out more of what I was feeling or thinking. But I am careful with whom I entrust my secrets and innermost feelings to. No matter how much I've changed since this overseas experience, one thing remains constant - that I dislike to show weakness. Arrows would bounce off me, that's the image I like to portray. Tough.
I hate it when people pull disappearing acts on me, or turn out to be no-shows with no signs of being apologetic about it. I wish for explanations, but I'm too proud to ask, so I take it in my stride. Or I try to, anyway. These incidents simply enforce the sad fact that humans are unreliable. Much as I want promises that we'll be friends for a long time, promises are merely empty words if there's no heart behind them. So I really don't expect anything more from people nowadays, because I think I'm bound to be disappointed.
Surprise me.
It's strange, I just had the thought that many people I've met here aren't reliable. Too many things said too lightly, too many friendships undeveloped, too many loose strings. A lot of people ask me what I do on my computer every night, and I always say "msn". Isn't it a strange coincidence that 99% of the time, the people I chat with are my friends back home? These weeks, quite a few times, I'd been on the verge of saying, "Let's go out!" before realising that that's impossible, we are 8 hours apart by plane.
Sometimes my mom asks if I've been going out, or thinks that I've been going out because the weather is good. In such instances, I tend to feel a little guilty that I spent my day basking in the fluorescence of the room light, instead of outside in the sunlight. But you know, friendships aren't formed by the snap of one's fingers. There aren't very many people to go out with.
That's why when we were on the topic of choosing a date for my return flight, I had the thought that maybe I should go back earlier. Go back to where the welcoming arms of friends and family are. Much as Japan is interesting, and where I've the love of my grandparents, my phone is too silent here. I'm too alone here. Looking at the pictures plastered on my wall, I want to be where the people in the pictures are. So that I can just be me, speaking my Singaporean English, not worrying about not impressing anyone, without the need to put on a facade. The best place to be is among people who know me best.
Someone just told me that I seem to be the kind who'd feel lonely being in Japan. On the whole I'm not, but I guess there are days when I don't hold up so well, and I just want to be in familiar arms. It'll be nice to be a toddler again, no? To be cuddled and fussed over.
Maybe it's because the nights and even the days get too quiet. I am so tempted to stray, to walk down a path I shouldn't. Just because.
That's why for budding friendships, I say that there is a trial period. So what if you're in frequent contact with another person for a month? Even if it seems promising, it means nothing. For the first three months or so, both parties are on trial. What's the person like? Boring? Sensitive? Demanding? True colours are shown only after a period of time, and I'm sure all of us are on our best behaviours initially. That's when we really know whether our characters allow us to get along well for an extended period of time.
I'm just tired of "friendships" pittering away to nothing after a month or two. Like everybody knows, the greater the expectations, the greater the disappointment. Henceforth, it would be better to just be pleasant to everyone, not dwell too much on the new interesting people that I meet, and simply wait to see how things work out.
Making plans into the future, even for a few months... How can you really do that? Everything's unpredictable.
Do you fear it, resist it, fighting it every step of the way?
Persisting in drawing in breath after wheezing breath?
Struggling to speak even though only gurgles are emitted?
Without a certain upbringing from young, most people probably cannot let go of life without a backward glance, without thinking, "No! I don't want to die! Save me!" This is so remniscent of the article on 武士 that is in my Japanese textbook. Much as it may be human nature to be greedy, there's no way we can strike a bargain with the devil to prolong life, not even for a few more minutes.
Given that the Grim Reaper shows no mercy nor favouritism, death probably is a much-talked about, or at least much-thought about, topic. Do women have it better both in life and death? In a drama I watched, the protaganist said, "Before they are born, women are held in the arms of God. When they are born, they are held in their mothers' arms. When they grow older, they are held by men. When they die, they are held by God again."
Do such thoughts make reality more bearable?
Death is a reality.
How does one say goodbye?
Anyway, I met more people today. In a group of eight, three of us were half-Japanese. The other halves are Singaporean-Chinese, Taiwanese-Chinese and French. It's rather cool how many half-Japanese students I've met here, it almost seems common! One thing about meeting international students is that cultural differences become quite apparent, and that what applies to Singapore isn't necessarily applicable elsewhere. Broadening my horizons has inevitably made me realised that it's a really open world out there, liberal in so many ways. Not everyone holds the same conservative beliefs as I do, but rather than feeling appalled by others' behaviours, I'm intrigued. To me it's something new, and I want to find out more about it, even if it's directly contradictory to my own ideals. To each his/her own, no? There's no need to pass judgement. Even while holding a certain belief, it's good to keep an open mind and learn more about others' beliefs.
Some people are rather unlucky, they have all sorts of bad experiences that make them think that the world is not that nice a place after all. Even while my mind knows that, somehow I still think that most of the people I meet are nice, and that they don't harbour bad thoughts or have bad character. Maybe it's some form of intentional naivete and gullibility, but there are times when it's better to view the world through rose-tinted lenses. It makes the world more beautiful.
Most of the Chinese I've known, apart from Singaporeans, tend to be mainland Chinese. And a lot of them haven't really left a good impression on me. Of late, I've been getting to know Taiwanese, and those that I've met have been really pleasant, and surprisingly we click very well.
Contentment and happiness... They're not all that elusive.
I was catching up with a friend I haven't talked to in a while, and she'll be the first of my friends to get married. Then when my mom called we talked a bit about the rest of my schooling life and my future.
In the past, the future was such a distant concept, seemingly never going to happen. What I'd considered 'the future' was when you're of an age to enter the workforce with a decent degree, of an age to consider marriage and planning your life with someone else. What had seemed light years away is now a mere year away. I can hardly believe where my present had gone to. But I suppose every day's considered the future, because today's the future that you'd thought of yesterday.
So I'm a major in Economics, but I don't particularly want to deal with so much of that in my future job. Somehow I'm more interested in making use of my Japanese, so I'm keen on finding a job in a Japanese company. Preferably one that'll send me overseas for work. My cousin had said that coming for SEP is probably the start of my wanderlust, and I see some truth in that. If that's my goal, then I'd better work harder on improving my command of the language. It was probably a good move to request for two language exchange partners, one of each gender; I'm definitely free enough to dedicate two hours each week to them. That aside, I was toying with the idea of buying a higher level textbook from school so that I can study that on my own when I get back. I'm also reminded that NUS offers a course on Business Japanese, and while I won't have the time to take the course itself, maybe I can ask the lecturer what learning materials are used. Then, of course, to study hard and pass JLPT 2. Maybe if I study really hard I can go for JLPT 1 in another year or something. We'll see how that goes. For once, for the very first time in my life, I actually have an idea of what I want to do in the future. Even if I'm not entirely sure of what kind of line I want to go into, the underlying intention is to get a job that requires proficiency in Japanese. Somehow this makes me more excited about the future, because I finally have something to work towards (the first step - maintaining my grades -.-).
Beyond work, there's marriage. International marriages still intrigue me, especially since the afore-mentioned friend, who is a Malay, is marrying a Japanese. If possible, I want to mix my blood a little more! However, having said that, I don't particularly want to marry a foreigner if he is not going to work in Singapore, and wants me to live somewhere that's not Singapore or Japan. That's just me wanting to have my cake and eat it. Then again, back in Singapore, it's probably back to my usual life, moving around in the usual circles, which comprise of Chinese, Chinese and more Chinese! As for inter-racial marriage with a fellow Singaporean, hmm.... Well, I can have my wishes and preferences, but when it comes to relationships we don't always get the Mr. Right that we paint in our minds, right? Dreams and reality are separate issues, which makes this so-called problem a non-issue!
The future is vast and unpredictable, that's what I'd always said. While "the road to success is always under construction"(as I saw from a quote on facebook), I just hope there's something good in store for me somewhere down the line. :)
Anyway, I'm always pretty impressed when people I know are able to express their thoughts beautifully in mandarin. The vocabulary, when I see it, I know it. It's rather like "oh! I learnt this before!" Yet having the knowledge lurking somewhere in the back of one's mind is totally different from having it at the forefront, ready to be used at an opportune moment. I don't know what to do with my mandarin since it's so limited and nothing really comes to mind without lots of prompting. So it occurred to me that before I improve on a third language (Japanese) or start on a fourth language (Korean), I should actually do something about my mother tongue.
It seems a little lacking somehow, that the only language I'm proficient in is English. Having some friends come to me for the proof-reading of their essays/speeches/short stories is quite flattering, although when I re-read my own blog entries I rarely see what gives them the impression that my command of English is good.
Language is fascinating. The more you know, the better you can communicate with more people. As far as possible I don't want to be tied down by language barriers, not being able to express myself although I desperately want to. Considering that learning is a never-ending process, picking up languages throughout my life seems to be a worthwhile effort. Yet I don't want to be a jack of all trades, master of none. English, Japanese, Mandarin, Korean. The first for usability and convenience, the second for personal ties, the third for heritage, the fourth for friendship and interest. My focus for now. :)
My blog seems to have been rid of those angst-filled entries that result after a major quarrel with my parents, I thought. While it's true that I haven't been fighting with my parents since I got here, a closer inspection of my entries reveal that maybe it's not all popcorn and flowers here. Is it possible for a person to be 100% happy? Sometimes I think that even at the height of our happiness, there will be the littlest kernel of unhappiness buried deep within; Whether or not it rears its head is another matter. At least for now, I'm not at the height of my unhappiness. No wetting of my pillow (which means no puffy eyes, thank god. suddenly I'm reminded of the black eye from cheerleading. Horror!), no throwing of my bolster, no silent treatment... It's one of those periods when it seems like life's about as good as it can get. My point is that it's not a simple yes or no answer to the question of "are you unhappy?" Maybe it's always a mix of both, just a matter of whether it sways more towards being happy or unhappy. A fraction of 'happy' and a fraction of 'unhappy' = 1.
Anyway, there are many quizzes/memes you can find online, right? I've always had trouble finding the best adjectives to describe myself, which makes me wonder just how well I know myself. Can each person be so neatly charactered into , say, three adjectives? I'd like to think that we are more than that! Beyond the purposes of being succinct, maybe we should find as many adjectives as possible that fit us, to paint a more accurate picture of who we are, in all our different moods.
What kind of person do you think I am?
Sometimes I wish I could've done better, that things didn't turn out that way. Since there's no turning back time, there's only the intentional amnesia that I can invoke. On the bright side, there's a second chance to go back and belong. :)
