Some things (read: crazy 3-hour aerobics challenge early on a Sunday morning) you only do with very good friends. Such things, only when done with very good friends, make you feel happy at the end. Such good friends, who make you feel happy, don't come by very often. Such happiness, that makes you smile in recollection, must be cherished. I love you girls! <3
I had such a fun-filled, packed day!
Despite my inertia, my friend was practically pleading with me to go out to meet him because he didn't want to go home, so I dragged myself out of my dorm. Although not smashed, he had one drink too many, and was a little out of character just now. A lot of the things he said and did made me crinkle my brows (inwardly) and think, "is he hitting on me?!" It was a little disconcerting since we'd hung out together many times before and I'd never gotten that feeling. I shall simply assume it was the alcohol that made him behave that way.
Looking through some of the photos taken in the past few months made me miss those times so much. All the holidaying with good friends, taking silly photos, having a blast no matter where we went... Where did those times go to? I miss the holidays, the travelling, the feeling that we had all the time in the world to enjoy each other's company and to do whatever we wanted.
Drinking to drown one's sorrows.
I'd just ended a call with my mom, and it made me think that it gets lonely in Japan sometimes. Home in Singapore was such that when I walked out of the confines of my room to the kitchen to get a drink, I'd see my mom in there preparing dinner, and I'll interrupt by chatting. Or she'll be on the sofa watching tv, and I'll plonk myself nearby and spoil my mom's me-time. Home in Japan is one room, four walls, and nobody waiting for me when I get back from school. Freedom comes at a cost - less warmth. I spend a lot of my free time in my room twiddling my thumbs, or watching drama after drama. Although I spent a lot of time in my own room back home too, the difference is in knowing there's company when I step out. There would never be a case when I'd spend the whole day not talking to anyone. Labels: family, friends, musings
Nothing is for sure.
Since I don't have my own guests, I look forward to others' guests! Today, I expanded my circle of Korean friends when Yoon Jeong's friend came. After hearing about and seeing pictures/videos of someone for quite a while, seeing him in person felt a little surreal. It's almost like he hopped out of the computer and materialised right before my eyes! It was fun, especially because he speaks English. Maybe we'll go out (I'll bring him out?) for dinner together next week. I feel that I want to, and that I should. After all, I'm free, Yoon Jeong's not, and it's a little lonely eating alone in a foreign country, no?
I wish people wouldn't bait me. It is not fun at all, and if you've observed my reactions carefully enough you should know I don't like it one bit.
Good friends venture out of their rooms at the stroke of midnight to study and drink together. And good friends share their goodies, for example, alcohol. I'm sure Yoon Jeong was tempted to finish up my whole bottle of Kahlua, but practised a bit of self-restraint. =p There are times I wish Hoshien wasn't so strict, and that there weren't rules on the times we can be in each other's rooms, in the lounge... I suppose we just have to make do with whatever we have.
Having a day with good and bad stuff happening should probably be normal. Call it being part and parcel of life, but it doesn't really make me feel any better about the bad stuff. As it is, the language barrier frustrates me, I don't need extra catalysts to make me feel worse about it. It's not about the anger, it's more of the hurt and the disappointment. To think that I'd just told myself that I cannot give up just because it's more difficult, even though there are easier options out there which I don't have to put in so much effort for. I could apologise for not being of your nationality or not speaking your language, but I won't. This is who I am. You'll just have to work around that.
I have always found gentlemanliness to be a very attractive trait.
We're involved in cycles, day after day, time after time. Suddenly I want to throw my hands up in despair and scream, "Why am I doing this?!" Sometimes it feels like I'm toiling on my own, trying to keep the conversation going, instead of lapsing into monosyllabic answers. Help me out here; Give me proper replies - more words, not just symbols! Usually I don't think too much about it, I just keep putting effort into keeping the words flowing, or to keep the friendships alive. Then I suppose there comes a time when enough is enough, or when I just want someone else to work alongside me. I don't want to be the only fool who cares enough to put in the effort. It takes two hands to clap. If you don't like applause, tell me so I can save my energy.
After a lot of bullying on my part, I finally got the two letters I'd been waiting for lying on my desk! :D
Everytime we have a class gathering, most of us take away the feeling that JC times were one of the best times of our lives. So many hours spent together every week, so many funny incidents to recount again and again without being bored of them... We practically watched one another grow! Even as we sit around feeling old, we'll still identify elements in one another that remind us that we haven't changed totally since our Hwachong days. I hope we'll continue having class gatherings and parties in the many years to come! <3
1) Japanese class
We watched L: Save The World as our last movie, and since it's such a recent and modern show, it was extremely fascinating and entertaining. After which, the whole class went for lunch. It was the best attendance I'd ever seen at a class outing! After all, during most out-of-class lessons to the museums and what not, attendance is usually rather dismal. It was rather nice to see the room packed with students, gaily eating and chatting. Although it was meant to be a farewell party, it didn't really feel like goodbye. The way some people left earlier, it was almost as though we would be meeting again come Monday. However, the fact is that we won't. In any case, the three of us gave the teachers the gifts we got them, and I was really happy to see that they were very pleased with the gifts! No matter what age, women are still women, and are perked up by receiving gifts as accessories. They were so cute. I like my teachers so much. And one of them will be stopping in Singapore for a transit flight in August, and asked for recommendations of places to go. Who knows, if possible I'd like to bring her around! :)
2) Dinner with language exchange partner
Today was also the last meeting with my language exchange partner. As she is really busy with preparations for her exchange, as well as preparations for her exams, we ended up meeting only in the evening for dinner. Today was by far the best meeting, because it just felt so natural and friendly, sitting close side by side at the restaurant grilling our meat, sharing our desserts... I was happy to hear her saying that she will definitely come to Singapore, that it's just a matter of time. When she makes her way there, she'll contact me! I can't wait to have her around so I can host her. Surprisingly, she got me a gift (when we were together at the shop, no less!) and I thought that was so sweet of her! I got a handkerchief with glass prints, as well as a handphone strap with a picture of the Japanese equivalent of ice kachang. Apparently she thinks it fits me, since "Kaori" is associated with food. =p Having her as a partner made me feel really glad that I signed up for language exchange, and that instead of being mere conversation partners, we became friends. I wonder if she got along so well with her previous partners, but that's besides the point. While a part of me dreaded the Mandarin-speaking sessions sometimes, all in all it was good fun, and very good practice for me to brush up my mother tongue. :)
3) My cousin contacted me!
Now that was the biggest surprise of the day. Half a year ago, my cousin got my mobile email and number, but he never got around to contacting me, and I totally gave up on that idea. While I was browsing through the JLPT books in the coop today, suddenly I felt my handphone vibrate (it's rare that I feel it when it's in my bag) and there was an unfamiliar number calling me. I picked up, it sounded like another male friend, until he identified himself. I was so surprised, but at the same time very pleased! So we chatted, I said that I want to go to their house to use the internet (to which he said I can go anytime), and I got him to mail his email address to me. So all's good! After dinner, I received another call from him, and it appears that he's going to come down to Tokyo to meet me tomorrow! Wow, it really makes me wonder what's up with him. Why the sudden friendliness? Not that I'm complaining, of course. He thinks it's not embarrassing to finally contact me after so long, and I think it's better late than never. I wonder what we're going to do tomorrow. =D
4) Supper
Not too long after my dinner, I met the friend who'll be going to Singapore for exchange for supper. It was meant to be a snack for me, and dinner for him, but I ended up eating more than him, because he got full pretty quickly! And he ordered so much, it was a waste to not finish the food. I stuffed my face with lots of food, but he likes girls who eat a lot, so it was all good. We'd met up quite a few times, but like with my exchange partner, today was by far the best catching up session. Conversation flowed readily, and this time I got to use much more English because he wanted to get used to listening to English - or more specifically, Singaporean English. After I told him the story of how I got so scared that I'll fall off the side of the mountain while skiing, he got really hooked on the way I said, "oh shit!" He made me repeat it, and at sporadic moments, he'd suddenly blurt out "oh shit!" and grin mischievously at me. Towards the end he even wanted me to repeat the ski story just so he could hear the way I said that! Well, I'm glad I'm entertaining. -.- It was good fun. The next time we meet each other, we'll probably both be in Singapore. I can't wait! I can practise my Japanese with him, while he can have company in the interim while he waits to start school and make new friends. Win-win situation!
Tomorrow we'll be having our graduation ceremony of sorts, an official indication that we have ended our year at Waseda University. Will that farewell feel more final? There will also be a Feel Japan farewell party tomorrow evening. So many goodbyes to be said, so many times. Instead of saying goodbye, it will be better to say "see you again". After all, when there's a will, there's a way... Right? I'm just really thankful for all the friendships I've formed here. I will work to ensure that they remain intact throughout the years and the distance.
Because we have people in our lives, our lives become that much more colourful.
1) Playing with my hair
Basically experimenting with updos, testing the strength of the pins and how long the updo will last etc. All these because I don't want to wear a yukata with my hair in a ponytail! >.<
simple french twist with pins
get-up for dinner with relatives: french twist with big clip
company for the night ii: aileen
This last week seems to be for the purpose of tying up loose ends. Doing the necessary procedures like closing bank accounts and cancelling health insurance, going places we've been wanting to go but kept putting off, showing appreciation to our teachers, meeting up with the people who've made our stay in Japan an enjoyable one... I hope I don't leave anything out, only to realise when I'm in Totsuka, or even worse, in Singapore, that shoot! I forgot to do something! That would really be the pits.
Once again it's an affirmation of how old friends make one feel really good, like how an old t-shirt slips very comfortably over our body, the perfect fit. :) It was a short three hours, but I enjoyed myself so much! No lack of topic, no lack of amusement... From dinner at Sol Amigo (where I happily ate the third tortilla without knowing it was the last, thinking that he wasn't eating because he was taking a break!) to my mistake in the neoprint machine (which resulted in us having to fit our faces into the bodies of cartoon women in various poses); These reminded me of how easy it is to laugh about the silliest things with good friends, being embarrassed and showing it, rather than having to try to cover it up.
It's quite irrelevant, but I like it when guys are able to pull off all sorts of expressions and poses in a neoprint machine, instead of looking awkward and have the same expression throughout. This is my favourite picture:
impressed by the facial expression! :D
a bunny teacher, and a cool 60s towkayblur dreamy-looking pictures below.
waiting till we could fool around together!
Much appreciated, poo! Had a good time again, looking forward to more when I get back!
Suddenly I dread the passage of time, because it means that as time passes, we forget. I also worry that if we don't catch ourselves, we will get lost in the mundaneness of day to day life.
I feel uneasy.
Anyway, we had another out-of-classroom Japanese lesson yesterday, going to 江戸東京資料館 as well as 清澄庭園. A great emphasis on museums and gardens these days, no? Once again, no complaints from me, because the exhibits were those life-sized buildings etc that we could go into and touch, the kind that I like! After the educational tour, we had some free time to make the rounds ourselves, so of course my friend and I fooled around, as is probably almost expected of us!
kaori the intellectual
yoon jeong the demure
KY the fools!
before entering the garden
bird in flight!
see the little fish caught between its beak?
the extraordinarily ugly gaping mouth that begged, "feed me!"
the studious ones :D
greedy pigs?
from the lily family. it's so lovely <3
hydrangea - it blooms during the rainy season
Since he didn't have any place in mind to go, and no suggestions, I suggested someplace I wanted to check out - Ueno. The park itself wasn't very spectacular, and I didn't realise that I'd actually been there before a few months ago in winter at night. Being there again in summer in the day was quite different. Instead of having icy cold hands I had warm ones, and instead of shivering I was perspiring. Most of the ducks disappeared from the pond, and the main "ducks" I saw were those that were actually boats being paddled around by couples/friends.
Then I found one on the grass! It reminded me that I'd seen ducks on snow, ducks on water, but maybe not ducks on grass. Also, I'm suddenly struck by the thought that... aren't ducks supposed to be yellow? That's the colour they always were in our story books, and when I think ducks, I think yellow. Maybe that's some kind of stereotype I have, just like how I'd always thought cows were supposed to be black and white, until I went to Malaysia and saw my first cow which was all brown. What a disappointment!
duckie duck. quack!
What is one supposed to do with someone who doesn't seem interested in the things that interests oneself? There was this perpetual worry that he'd be bored, but I didn't know what to do about it since he didn't have any idea what to do. Better one bored person than two bored people, right? So we went to Ameyoko-cho which was fascinating. I want to return there to do more than window shopping! After a trip to Ikebukuro's Sunshine City for me to do more window shopping (at his suggestion, mind you!), and dinner, I managed to propose the idea of going home. I'd been out for twelve hours, I was dead beat, and somehow while wandering Ueno I'd caught a cold so my eyes were really tired, my nose was itchy and dripping, I was sneezing, and basically feeling like crap. After politely declining his offer to walk me back from Takadanobaba station, I returned to my room with gifts from my not-so-close friend - two cream puffs for me to eat as supper just because before I got stuffed from dinner I'd casually mentioned I felt like eating cream puffs; and a lovely hair accessory, the kind on a stick to poke into your hair after it's been put into a bun.
Maybe the second half of my day was a little awkward, but it wasn't as awful as it could've been. Hmm. What does it really mean? I'd rather not know.
That's why in movies we see the depressed people knocking back glass after glass of alcohol to numb the pain and to forget one's worries. Not being under my parents' watchful eyes has made me more prone to drinking, and it doesn't help that Picaso sells alcohol so cheaply. So many times I want to reach to the kahlua bottle on my shelf, but am only stopped because the absence of milk means I don't have a mixer.
I was out suppering with a friend just now. If it weren't for him feeling sleepy, I would have happily ordered another mug of beer; I was enjoying the lightheadedness. Had I been feeling more inebriated, I would've poured out more of what I was feeling or thinking. But I am careful with whom I entrust my secrets and innermost feelings to. No matter how much I've changed since this overseas experience, one thing remains constant - that I dislike to show weakness. Arrows would bounce off me, that's the image I like to portray. Tough.
I hate it when people pull disappearing acts on me, or turn out to be no-shows with no signs of being apologetic about it. I wish for explanations, but I'm too proud to ask, so I take it in my stride. Or I try to, anyway. These incidents simply enforce the sad fact that humans are unreliable. Much as I want promises that we'll be friends for a long time, promises are merely empty words if there's no heart behind them. So I really don't expect anything more from people nowadays, because I think I'm bound to be disappointed.
Surprise me.
It's strange, I just had the thought that many people I've met here aren't reliable. Too many things said too lightly, too many friendships undeveloped, too many loose strings. A lot of people ask me what I do on my computer every night, and I always say "msn". Isn't it a strange coincidence that 99% of the time, the people I chat with are my friends back home? These weeks, quite a few times, I'd been on the verge of saying, "Let's go out!" before realising that that's impossible, we are 8 hours apart by plane.
Sometimes my mom asks if I've been going out, or thinks that I've been going out because the weather is good. In such instances, I tend to feel a little guilty that I spent my day basking in the fluorescence of the room light, instead of outside in the sunlight. But you know, friendships aren't formed by the snap of one's fingers. There aren't very many people to go out with.
That's why when we were on the topic of choosing a date for my return flight, I had the thought that maybe I should go back earlier. Go back to where the welcoming arms of friends and family are. Much as Japan is interesting, and where I've the love of my grandparents, my phone is too silent here. I'm too alone here. Looking at the pictures plastered on my wall, I want to be where the people in the pictures are. So that I can just be me, speaking my Singaporean English, not worrying about not impressing anyone, without the need to put on a facade. The best place to be is among people who know me best.
Someone just told me that I seem to be the kind who'd feel lonely being in Japan. On the whole I'm not, but I guess there are days when I don't hold up so well, and I just want to be in familiar arms. It'll be nice to be a toddler again, no? To be cuddled and fussed over.
Maybe it's because the nights and even the days get too quiet. I am so tempted to stray, to walk down a path I shouldn't. Just because.
To continue my thoughts from the earlier entry, I'd say that I can't go out with new friends too often. Maybe there's just some strange chemistry between the people I meet and I, but if we do that, we'll probably get tired of each other pretty quickly. The novelty wears off. Even if that's inevitable, that it will definitely happen, then maybe I'd like to prolong that reality from coming true as long as possible. And suddenly there's this smell wafting about, of someone's perfume/cologne. I must have conjured it to life from merely thinking about it.
Back to the pictures:
bright colours are in this season

the people who help me with my mandarin
a so-called disjointed shot that i like
the pig at work again
while waiting for my date who was late
That's why for budding friendships, I say that there is a trial period. So what if you're in frequent contact with another person for a month? Even if it seems promising, it means nothing. For the first three months or so, both parties are on trial. What's the person like? Boring? Sensitive? Demanding? True colours are shown only after a period of time, and I'm sure all of us are on our best behaviours initially. That's when we really know whether our characters allow us to get along well for an extended period of time.
I'm just tired of "friendships" pittering away to nothing after a month or two. Like everybody knows, the greater the expectations, the greater the disappointment. Henceforth, it would be better to just be pleasant to everyone, not dwell too much on the new interesting people that I meet, and simply wait to see how things work out.
Making plans into the future, even for a few months... How can you really do that? Everything's unpredictable.
Guests aside, today's weather was extremely horrid. Fearing that my umbrella would break while battling the wind en route to school, I finally reached the classroom with my front all wet (but with the umbrella intact, thankfully). The dreary and rainy day put me in the mood for a biiiiiig hug. But that's not something I can ask for from the people here because 1) we're not familiar enough for such stuff or 2) we're not touchy enough for such stuff. So I quelled that feeling and hopped into bed - the next best alternative - when I returned from class.
It's strange that despite feeling that my unhappiness was justified a few days ago, now I feel bad. I guess I just hate knowing that I wrecked things. Despite that, not everything's ok, the feeling didn't dissipate 100%. A small kernel remains, and sometimes it's the littlest resentment that's the straw the breaks the camel's back. I can't decide if I should feel relieved or still slightly unhappy still. Or both. Oh well.
In dealing with people, I wonder what some people have in mind. In getting to know someone, it involves knowing all the big and little things. And it involves an exchange of information through communication, or am I wrong? I thought that was natural, but apparently not. So what are you doing? Playing me?
Knowing something to be a fact (for example that the world is unfair, or that humans are shit in disguise) does not mean I have to like it. I didn't like the status quo, I tried to ask for change, change it, but nope, nothing effected. What's worse (worst?) is that I felt like I was being laughed at - because you have the power to withhold what I want to know, and you relish in that power. Guess what? I'm effing sick of boxing in the dark, or of pulling teeth. Don't you play me. If you want it that way, fine, I'll oblige. You can finally heave a sigh of relief. No questions asked, no answers required. No curiosity, no interest, no nothing. I should never have let it matter. You'd prefer it that way, the way it was, no?
After this, I will be the epitome of politeness and indifference.
Two strangers.
I've found a YUI fan! She was introducing some more songs to me, and "I remember you" is my current favourite. :)
That aside, I've had a good day. Had a spontaneous dinner date, and it was fun to go play pool (well it's called billiard here) after quite a hiatus! It is comforting to know that I am marginally better at playing pool than at playing arcade games, so I didn't embarrass myself that badly. Some people take a while to warm up to others. Several dates and upsets later, things are starting to look up. :)
After the spring break it seems as though my social circle is expanding, finally. Some new friends and I will be going for dinner together next week, and I'm looking forward to that. On top of that, my friend invited the guy I find cute, so that's going to be quite exciting for me! And it's pretty heartwarming to know that people want to do things with me, and have plans to hang out together in the future. Of course, these past months I have realised that Japanese have the tendency to say " また連絡するね!" but it's really just a lie. That's rather disappointing, because when I say that I always make sure I contact them again. Maybe Taiwanese will be different. It's been rather promising so far, because we've been chatting online and I've been meeting one of them rather regularly. Do we click well with people who speak the languages we're more comfortable with? Or whom we have more common languages with? I seriously have no affinity with Japanese, I don't know why. I guess mean Koreans and Chinese are more my kind of people. :)
The dark clouds have gone away, so I'm feeling pretty happy with all my friendships right now. Some people don't seem to have much aptitude at friendships, and do all sorts of strange and insensitive things to others, but they aren't totally lost causes. They have redeeming qualities which I find cute, and so I give such friendships another shot. Hopefully it isn't doomed to the horrible cycle of quarrelling and patching up. Then there are other people who're so wary and inclined to jumping to conclusions that they find suspicion in the most innocent matters. In such cases, when they realise that they were being really silly, they can only hope that their apologies will be accepted and things will move on. The same word "friendship" can mean so many different things, which makes it so very intriguing.
There's also some sort of power play between guys and girls, I think. Like the girls wanting something, but are not willing to be the ones to ask the guys because of societal expectations. So they drop hints, but sometimes even the broadest hints fly right over the guys' heads. I wonder if there are certain things guys want to do or say, but hesitate because of not wanting to appear a certain way? For example, gay/sentimental/touchy/sensitive etc? Because they think that guys ought to be macho? Human relationships aren't necessarily something kept between just the two parties; Instead, so many other factors come into play. Even the girls themselves, without any peer pressure, are strange on their own. For me, even if I want attention, I don't want attention per se. More specifically, I want the attention that I want. With such demands, it's no wonder relationships are rarely uncomplicated!
Well. Life's good, I'm happy! Right now I'm thinking something, wanting something... but I'm waiting it out, wondering if the other person is thinking and wanting the same thing. And if the other person will be the one to ask me first. Patience is a virtue. :)
Lastly, sometimes I'm tempted to ask this:
I have four more months in Japan - what are you going to do?
As I was out grocery shopping with my friend earlier on, I was pleasantly surprised that he took the basket from me as soon as I took it and put a packet of strawberries inside. It is especially sweet because he did it so naturally, as though it's second nature to him. And I have found someone who's even more auntie than I am when it comes to buying groceries, so fun!
I tend to find overzealousness a dubious trait.
I met a fellow Singaporean at the photography workshop, and while he was friendly and easy to get along with, for a first meeting he should've practised some restraint. Chatting for a few minutes would've been pleasant, and maybe I would've thought, "maybe he isn't too bad and maybe I'll see him again." Instead, a very hungry me was kept standing there and chatting for a whole hour. It was almost like I was getting my ears yakked off, which made me wonder if he was lonely and craving Singaporean company. We'd just met, and he was suggesting that if I want company to return to Japan in the future I can look for him. A little too fast and too forward, no? Sure makes me go ummmmmm. We'll see how things proceed from here, maybe he was just nervous.
I don't know what to make of guys with funky/bad boy images.
Someone of that sort whom I saw (I can't even say I met him, because we didn't utter a single word to each other!) at the hanami yesterday sent me a message on facebook. The gist was that he couldn't talk to me yesterday although he really wanted to, and if there are future events he would like to do so. Quite some enthusiasm, it appears. Apart from feeling dubious as per the above point, that is further exacerbated by his recent facebook activity: adding many of the people who were invited to the event. Chatting up the girls would seem very buaya, and if he isn't that sort, it still makes me wonder: what does a seemingly bad boy want from someone like me? I reviewed my own attire and behaviour at the event, and nope, nothing at all like a bad girl. While bad boys have a curious appeal, that species and I don't usually gel.
Interesting people I meet once I start venturing out of my hole.
I've probably said this before, but the lack of proficiency in a third language limits what I can talk about. I just don't have the vocabulary to talk about all the things in my head, and it doesn't help that whatever I am able to manage becomes lopsided.
And don't think this is just about my friends in Japan. I have noticed - for quite a while, in fact - that some people back in Singapore aren't putting in the effort anymore. Right now, that pisses me off. Friendship isn't something you can neglect and yet expect it to flourish, you know!
Actually it seems that when I return to Singapore some friends won't be around because they'll be going overseas for a year, which makes the prospect of returning even more uninviting. However, I've just been told in a letter that there's a surprise planned for me, and I'll be having a pseudo date although the other party won't be around! Apparently that's my birthday present for 2008. Now that's pretty cool! (You'd better do a good job!) It somewhat reminds me of a movie I'd watched online recently called p.s. I love you. The husband died due to a brain tumour, but he'd planned stuff for his widow to help her get over the grief, so even though he wasn't around she was receiving letters from him, and getting an all expenses paid and all details planned trip to Ireland . Okay, maybe the comparison is a little morbid but it's just an awesome thought/idea. :)
I have fantastic friends! :D