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Now that the Chinese New Year break is over and it’s back to work, it’s about time to sit down and reflect on the past few days. The thing about growing up is that you never know what CNY is going to bring. It’s not always the exact same cycle whereby you play the role of a daughter/cousin/niece/friend and visit the same few houses, being on the receiving end of the ang bao tradition. Life is not that stagnant, neither is it very predictable. If one year earlier if you’d asked me whether I would feel awkward at my family gathering, I’d scoff and retort, “Why the heck would I be? They’re my relatives!” Likewise, I never imagined myself spending the night at some place other than my own home, having reunion dinner with a party outside of my immediate family. Life’s funny that way. This is a CNY of new beginnings and new identities. I feel like someone just refreshed the browser, and I find myself with updated information – now I’m an employee, a plus one, and a new face to many people. With those new add-ons I face new situations in which I have to exude confidence, graciousness and cheerfulness. Not out to impress or to gain approval, but to gain acceptance in part by showing that I know what I’m doing and I’m happy doing it. As part of the previous existing identity, this CNY is also about mending bridges and strengthening bonds. No matter what happens family is not an entity I can simply dust my ass and walk away from. And so I’m grateful for the act of kindness in the form of an invite, and the step towards reconciliation I felt in the handshake, and the sheer relief/joy over the dinner conversation. Life could really be much worse, but bit by bit I will work towards achieving my goal. All in all it was a new and interesting celebration to herald the Year of the Tiger. It’s MY year, and I want it to be a fantastic one! Labels: family
Labels: family, pics, relationships
So Chinese New Year has come once again, but it doesn't feel very much different from any other weekend. Sleeping in, waking up and waiting for lunch to be brought back by my parents, hanging around, then finally going to aunt's house where everyone congregates. After all the hype and clanging CNY music played everywhere, the actual event almost always turns out to be somewhat of a letdown. Being of mixed parentage doesn't give me the best of both worlds; it gives me half of each world. Home looks the same year in, year out, festivals notwithstanding. Y'know, I love home, but there are times I can't help but feel that we don't celebrate anything. Not CNY, not Christmas, not birthdays... Labels: family
I am coming to see that family drama takes many forms, many of which we don't even see the likes of on tv. But at the same time so unconventional that I'd never imagined it before, or even thought it possible. Labels: family
"Why do you suddenly switch to English? I understand Japanese, you know?" Labels: family
Labels: family
On the topic of me possibly going to school on Thursday to seek help from my friends for studies because I did badly for that module...
I had a most lovely buffet dinner at a hotel with my uncle and aunt this evening. While I'd always been somewhat intimidated by my tall and cool aunt, tonight I realised that something has changed. Labels: family, Japan, musings
To add on to the good things in my life, I've just received permission from my mom to go for the Hyogo summer session! :D Hehe which means that come end-August, I'll be flying to Ho Chi Minh to board the ship the Japanese students from Hyogo Prefecture are on, and travel around with them for three days before alighting at Singapore. For them it's a floating school, and while we have to attend classes with them and take part in their activities, to me it's more about the fun! And my mom doesn't mind me going a day early to explore Ho Chi Minh city,
There was this conversation between my dad and I earlier on:
I had a rather busy weekend, running to, around and back from Yokohama. It was fun going shopping with mom, although this time we were looking for work clothes for me rather than the casual, going out kind. The reality of work is getting closer and closer, maybe a little too close for comfort. In any case, I liked having the undivided attention of my mom, instead of fighting for it with my brother, dad, or even the cat! Labels: family, Japan, relationships
Labels: family
I'd just ended a call with my mom, and it made me think that it gets lonely in Japan sometimes. Home in Singapore was such that when I walked out of the confines of my room to the kitchen to get a drink, I'd see my mom in there preparing dinner, and I'll interrupt by chatting. Or she'll be on the sofa watching tv, and I'll plonk myself nearby and spoil my mom's me-time. Home in Japan is one room, four walls, and nobody waiting for me when I get back from school. Freedom comes at a cost - less warmth. I spend a lot of my free time in my room twiddling my thumbs, or watching drama after drama. Although I spent a lot of time in my own room back home too, the difference is in knowing there's company when I step out. There would never be a case when I'd spend the whole day not talking to anyone. Labels: family, friends, musings
A nice, normal date washed away all the upset earlier in the day. Reading together in the library, walking around Shinjuku in search of the sushi place (which I found, yay, me!), gazing at the adorable puppies and kittens in the pet shop, being dragged into a game centre to practise my bishi bashi skills, being treated to Haagan Dazs because of an offhand comment that it's good although expensive, walking back to my dorm from Shinjuku... I had a good evening. :) It's not that difficult to make me happy.
I was surprised to get a call from my mom so soon after the previous one. Turns out that my grandaunt took a fall and broke a bone, but because of some complications and all, she was transferred from a Yokohama hospital to one in Shinjuku. So next week I shall have to buy flowers (preferably something hardy and long-lasting, not chrysanthemums! said my mom), meet my grandmother, and go visit her at the hospital. It's not that I mind going, I just never know what to do, what to say in hospitals. I feel damn awkward and I bet it shows. Hopefully my sick-visiting skills have improved since the last time I did it.
Over the weekend I was really free so I ended up writing a lot to contribute to this blog. Let's start with the topic of my grandparents. (backdated to 16 february) I’ve realized that my grandmother likes to barge in on me when I’m bathing! There’s one curtain outside the bathroom door, and another inside. After a previous fiasco where I was too rough and caused the whole curtain rail to fall off (and possibly led to a blackout in the house somehow), I’ve taken to just drawing the outside curtain. The first time my grandmother pushed through the curtain and yanked open the door when I was bathing, I got the shock of my life! I can’t remember what it was that she wanted to tell me, but hello, I was stark naked! Maybe she didn’t mind seeing me naked since I’m her grand-daughter, but still, I don’t want even my grandmother to see me in my birthday suit, it’s so embarrassing! Today she did something similar, yanking aside curtain but thankfully leaving the door alone. Even so, the door was of frosted glass so she probably got a glimpse of my bare back. I’m not sure if she thinks I’m so forgetful that she needs to remind me to activate the jet for a Jacuzzi-like effect, or if she just gets a cheap thrill out of seeing me naked. Grr. Grandmothers. -.- Grandfather As I was using the laptop in bed yesterday, I heard my grandfather trundling downstairs and talking to my grandmother, when I thought he was already fast asleep in the next room. Then, very surprisingly my grandmother came up, popped her head in, and told me to turn off the heater when I go to sleep. Tonight I realized why. Apparently my grandfather got out of bed, went down and hammered on the bathroom door where my grandmother was bathing. His message: To come upstairs and tell me to switch the heater off in case anything happens at night, like maybe some electrical shortage which cause flying sparks or something along that line. In his mind, for me to be alone in the room with the heater on is dangerous. When I had friends over previously, it wasn’t too bad because he felt that should anything untoward happen, one of us will notice. So I guess this means that: Kaori alone in the room = pig sleeping, dead to the world and will not notice anything = dangerous. Ahah. But I love it when I find out such stuff, that my grandfather means well. It’s a nice change from having him hide upstairs to watch tv when I’m downstairs stoning. Either he wanted me to have the freedom to change the channels, or he was keeping away from me. After enjoying a nice long soak in the tub (one of the best parts of coming to my grandparents’ place, I get a bath rather than just a shower!), I came upstairs for some personal time, and so that my grandmother would go to sleep instead of staying up with me in the living room. Once again, I came into a warm room, because my grandfather always turns the heater on in advance for me so that I wouldn’t come in and shiver while waiting for the warm air to flood the room. Then I looked at my futon. Hmm, it looks neater than when I left it this morning. Keeping in mind that I turned the heater off when I went to bed, it was freezing when I woke up. So when I climbed out of the futon, I took 5 seconds to throw the blankets towards the pillow (a form of making the bed, haha) and hurried downstairs seeking warmth. Tonight, when I took a closer look at my three blankets (I needed every layer!), I realized that my grandfather made the bed for me again! This is aside from the fact that he usually lays out the futon for me when I come to stay over. The blankets were nicely placed and turned down. Wow. While my grandmother makes sure I am fed, it appears that my grandfather looks after me in terms of comfort and warmth. Coming to my grandparents’ place, I really lead the life of a princess!
An hour after I went to bed, my mom woke me with a call at 8am. Now that I think about it, it seems like a dream, but I think it's reality. Anyhow, she asked if I wanted to go back to Singapore for about a week, since air tickets now probably aren't that expensive. I'd never thought that I'd return home in the 11 months that I'll be in Japan, because from the start I'd intended to spend my free time travelling. Going home... It's a little tempting. Family and friends. Love. It's my guess that my mom wants to let me go home because I told her that I'm feeling a little bored/lonely since Yoon Jeong isn't around, and I'll be free for the next two weeks. Was I thinking clearly or was I half-asleep when I declined the offer? I guess I don't want to be such a pansy, running home to mommy whenever I feel lonely, spending unnecessary money. Somehow I feel an obligation to stick it out here, making the most of things, going out and making new friends, entertaining myself... I came to Japan in the hopes of becoming a little more independent, to grow up a little, didn't I? That's why I can't go home. I also don't want to deal with the possibility that once I go home, I won't want to come back to Japan. It makes things more difficult for myself.
Recently I've started tuning in to some local (ie Singapore) radio stations online, partly because I was sick of my own music collection and wanted to listen to something different, partly because it feels a bit more homely that way. As I was listening to the dedications and wondering why people do that, I suddenly remembered something. Years ago, I tuned in to Perfect 10 daily, and as I also had the habit of staying up late then, I would keep the radio on for company. Apparently one day in the midst of work my dad managed to call in, and dedicated a song to my brother and I. Unfortunately I only knew about it because he told me, not because I heard the dedication. While my dad's usually the stricter and scarier of the two, he has his funny side. This little flashback makes me think "aww that's so sweet". Just like how I found it sweet that he called me past midnight yesterday and cheerily bellowed, "good morning!" instead of "hello?"
While this may be a rocky period for some other people around us, I believe that we're still rock solid, and petty quarrels aren't going to faze us. The straw that breaks the camel's back? We're not there yet. :)
Occasionally when I make contact with big bro and talk about stuff, I think about what I've left behind and inevitably feel a little sad. But on a day-to-day basis everything's good, and it's not like I dwell on things and brood incessantly. I just have unfinished business which I need to settle to get that peace of mind. It's just that I worry. Before you take action you can hope, you can speculate, you can imagine the best. After, if reality doesn't pan out the way you want it to, it's going to be quite a slap in the face. That's why I procrastinate so that I can continue living in the maybes.
On another note, I completed the last lesson of my schooling life the Friday recently past! It's quite exciting, knowing that I'm finally getting out of this education system (although I have to work hard to make sure I don't fail my macroeconomics -.-) and not knowing where the road leads me to! Okay, so maybe the unemployed part leaves me feeling a little worried but I firmly believe it's simply a matter of time before I find something satisfactory. The road goes on and on; there's no turning back! Even more exciting knowing that you'll be right here walking the path with me and injecting more exciting elements - after all, you promised a rollercoaster ride!
Oh wait, is it bad luck to talk about such stuff on the first day of the lunar new year? Then again, I never learnt very much about chinese superstition so I couldn't care less. If I were into superstition I'd be super upset by our little disagreement in the wee hours of the morning, which would seem like a bad omen.
Oh well. So the relatives have now stopped asking so much about school, and are shifting their focus to work, since my graduation's in sight. Soon after it'll be followed by questions on marriage. Last night at reunion dinner, I looked at my cousin's little rascal running around, with my cousin and cousin-in-law trying to cajole him into eating... Or my other cousin with his surly expression sitting on the couch, with his wife and infant son conspicuously absent, the sign that they had yet another tiff. Suddenly married life, the route that most would assume the rest of us younger cousins would take, doesn't seem all that fantastic. Do I really want that?
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close up.JPG)
disgruntled at getting his claws cut.JPG)
"OMG SO HANDSOME!".JPG)
isn't he cute?
Sometimes it irks and puzzles me why my dad does that. He will be in the midst of relating some incident to my mom, and because I'm sitting there eating my plum, he will throw in some English sentences. Or he could be telling her the story while I'm standing nearby guzzling down my juice, then when I walk nearer he'll proceed to start telling me the same story, in English. Hello?! I grew up listening to Japanese, I took lessons, I was immersed in it - my Japanese proficiency is okay. How did he think I survived a year in Japan? -.-'''
Anyhow, my dad just returned from Hainan Island, China. As he and my relatives were chattering in the car on the way back from the airport, it reminded me anew that Japanese is not the only language I want to brush up on during the holidays. My aunt asked me in Hainanese, "do you understand what we're saying?" To which I answered, "I understand, but I cannot speak." I think most of my Foo family relatives know that my generation's grasp of the language is going downhill. We were all relatively fluent when we were younger, because we were often at my grandmother's house and it was the only language she could speak. Old age brings with it a barrage of problems and the bottom line is that we lost our main conversation partner. Having Hainanese in our lives has gradually become a thing of the past.
I don't like losing things which I had firmly in my grasp. Especially things like language, which I'd spent years practising, fine-tuning, improving. More than just pride, I want to retain my command of languages because language is culture, and it holds memories which I cannot recreate today. As long as I can still speak it, I'm keeping the link between us open, the avenue is there. It helps to keep certain memories alive.
One language is for the past; The other is for the present and the future.
me: I need to pull up my socks!
mom: *laughs* you've been wearing loose socks all this while
me: ya! what sucks is that everytime i pull it up, it slips down again
mom: maybe you need to change the rubber of your socks
me: or i can get rubber bands to keep it in place. but if the bands snap then it slips down again!
mom: *laughs* then it's time you get new socks.
So that was my mom's advice. To throw out my current thoughts/mentality. To just focus on one exam paper at a time, and after one is down, to not think about it (because discussing with friends and finding out that your answer is wrong is a very crappy feeling) and look ahead to the next one. To do my best and get the exams over and done with, even if I know that I won't be doing well this time. That even in the face of bad results, to take it as my mind is just warming up after a year of languishing and soaking in the onsens. I said that I cannot do too badly because it will mean I cannot go for my last semester. And now my mom knows that's another problem weighing on my mind, but she didn't throw up a big fuss like "HUH?! HOW COME?!" or say something like "YOU BETTER STUDY HARDER!"
[ I probably say similar stuff everytime I'm troubled over studies or stressed during exams, but these thoughts DO occur frequently under such circumstances. Bear with me!]
I love how my mom's cool about such stuff, and never was one of those naggy and result-conscious parents who'd sit their kids down and supervise them while they study. I love how she left my brother and I alone to manage our own studies, believing that even if we screw up it's our own future we're screwing up. And, I believe, trusting us to be responsible for our own studies. It's precisely because I value that trust that I want to do well, partly to show that I'm worthy of the trust, and to make my parents happy. I believe I've proven myself well over the years, enough for my mom to know that I always try my best. I was a little worried that she'll think I spent too much time on cheerleading, and didn't devote enough time to study, but she said nothing of that sort. In not so many words, I was told that as long as I try my best, it's good enough. Quite coincidental that I heard similar words from Shuying earlier in the day too.
It means a lot to me to have people believing in my effort instead of merely looking at the results. During stressful periods these people and these words are my buoys. :)
One thing good about growing up is that it puts me on a more equal platform with my relatives. Previously when I came to Japan with my family and had my parents bringing me around and paying for everything, there was a very clear demarcation between adult and child. At that time the dependency on my parents was obvious, and in such instances, it was difficult to be treated seriously. When adults talked, children were marginalised, and we became wall flowers. Conversations between me and adults seldom went beyond "how's school?" and the like.
However, being in Japan alone this past year and fending for myself in Tokyo seems to have led to a promotion from a mere 'child' to 'adult'. I've been making my own decisions, food, travel plans etc, and while my relatives look out for me, it is clear that I can stand on my own two feet and am perfectly capable of carrying on a conversation on my own power. When I meet relatives, there's no more mommy or daddy to hide behind, so I become one of the main players in the conversation. Being recognised as an adult means that the conversation topics have broadened, and we talk about a greater variety of things instead of just school.
Being in the child category and adult category are two entirely different matters. On the other hand, it doesn't make that much difference whether one is a young adult, or an older adult. A child can be promoted to an adult, but once you reach adulthood, there's no higher stage. Hence with time, the gap can be closed, I can catch up with them. As a result, there's a greater sense of equality, and now I feel that more than smiling and nodding, I can jest with them. There's also a sense of coming onto my own. The passing years do not just add years to one's age, but also experience, confidence, and language ability.
Having said all that, while there's an implicit acknowledgement that I have grown up, nevertheless, my dinner was paid for by my uncle. =p
even though it means I'll have to miss an extra day of school! (Edit: I realised it's a weekend, even better! I can go TWO days earlier without missing extra lessons!) That sounds like an awesome idea, I don't want to fly to Ho Chi Minh and board a ship headed for Singapore immediately. Since I'll be going all the way there, I'd want to take in the sights a little, even if that means spending a bit of extra money. In any case, I'm going on a mini-cruise for the first time in my life, so that makes me h a p p y. :D
In addition, I've already warned my mom of the possibility of me having to delay graduation by a semester because I may not have enough Economics modules which I can take next semester. Surprisingly she didn't seem too upset about it, saying that if it can't be helped, it can't be helped. And I'm already doing all I can to try to avoid that. So... That's another load off my mind. In fact, my mom told me to look forward to my upcoming homestay, and basically enjoy the rest of my time here, because when I get back I'll be busy and stressed with school stuff to have much play time. At the same time, those factors will mean I'll drop the extra weight I put on. Hahah, I think my mom's funny.
You know how some people are really friendly and generous? Someone went out of her way to chat with me earlier on and said that if I were to go to Hong Kong again I should tell her and she'll host me better and bring me around. On top of that, she said that when I go back I'll be invited to taste her cooking, and she'll even teach me how to cook! When people do such things without any ulterior motives and offer their time and energy and good intentions, it's so sweet. Especially when I can hardly say we're good friends! But I guess I'd better put more effort into getting to know her better. :)
Somehow today's just an affirmation of how happy I am with my life!
Eh, I forgot to ask you something the other time
What?
How come your brother got two T-shirts, and I only have one?
Um... Cos you don't seem like you'd wear a bittergourd t-shirt...
Why? You buy for me I'll wear anything mah
Don't want lah, so weird!
*mutters more about me buying my brother 2 shirts but only one for him*
Why, jealous ah?
Of course lah! It's like your mommy and I always buy you and your brother stuff. Must be fair mah!
*laugh*
Sometimes my dad is so childish, it's funny. =p
You know how it is said that blood is thicker than water? I think that blood ties aren't all equal. At the end of the day how much time you spend with one person, and your familiarity with that person, matters. Even though my grandmother is a close kin, when my mom is around I'd much rather talk to my mom. After all, I grew up under my mom's wing for all my twenty-two years, so there are no communication barriers or feelings of reservation. Whatever I want to say, I say. For other relatives, it's almost like there's something lodged in my throat and I feel a bit anxious when I want to say something, because I don't know how they will react.
That aside, a friend once told me we dream a lot every night, just that we don't remember most of our dreams. I remember last night's dream all too vividly. I actually dreamt of Oliver, of him wanting to talk to me, of me shunning him until he gave up, then of me doing a 180 turnabout and trying ways to get him to talk to me... Somehow it felt real, because the dynamics of our relationship in the dream is rather similar to that in the past reality. At the same time, my mind wasn't trying to fool around with me, knowing all too clearly the current reality, because in my dream he had a girlfriend too. What's my point? I don't know. I only know that I woke up feeling really surprised that he appeared in my slumber.
Hmm. It's 1.13am Singapore time. Mommy should be back by now. The two weeks flew by all too quickly, and in a way I was glad she asked my grandparents and I to leave first instead of waiting a few hours for her to go through the departure gates. I hate waving goodbye from there, she on one side and I on the other. It's like we're a pair, it feels wrong having to say goodbye! Then again, having my mom wave to me from the top of the escalator while I descended to the basement to take the train felt strange too. The whole separation issue at the point of separation simply weirds me out. But I am a master of appearances. In unbearable situations, with a few deep breaths and an iron will, I can will the tears away. Maybe that's why some people find me cold. But I really think there's no need to wear one's heart on one's sleeve.
Damn tired. After a butt-achingly long journey from Narita, when I finally reached my room I felt like collapsing onto my bed. Every time I come back from my grandparents' place I am loaded with more than what I brought there. I'm always sent back with lots of food, and the 20-minute walk back from the station never felt more arduous; It felt like my shoulders were about to pop out of their sockets. There was to be no rest, I spent the next few hours rushing birthday preparations. It is extremely difficult to pull off successful surprises, and I feel particularly inept at it!
Sigh.
Shower at 1am, studying at 1.30am, blogging at 2am, and bed at 2.30am. My day is finally over...!
Listening to Chage and Aska songs bring back beautiful memories. They make the air feel different, smell different... They remind me of the days more than ten years past.
It is the taste of childhood again.
It's strange, I just had the thought that many people I've met here aren't reliable. Too many things said too lightly, too many friendships undeveloped, too many loose strings. A lot of people ask me what I do on my computer every night, and I always say "msn". Isn't it a strange coincidence that 99% of the time, the people I chat with are my friends back home? These weeks, quite a few times, I'd been on the verge of saying, "Let's go out!" before realising that that's impossible, we are 8 hours apart by plane.
Sometimes my mom asks if I've been going out, or thinks that I've been going out because the weather is good. In such instances, I tend to feel a little guilty that I spent my day basking in the fluorescence of the room light, instead of outside in the sunlight. But you know, friendships aren't formed by the snap of one's fingers. There aren't very many people to go out with.
That's why when we were on the topic of choosing a date for my return flight, I had the thought that maybe I should go back earlier. Go back to where the welcoming arms of friends and family are. Much as Japan is interesting, and where I've the love of my grandparents, my phone is too silent here. I'm too alone here. Looking at the pictures plastered on my wall, I want to be where the people in the pictures are. So that I can just be me, speaking my Singaporean English, not worrying about not impressing anyone, without the need to put on a facade. The best place to be is among people who know me best.
Someone just told me that I seem to be the kind who'd feel lonely being in Japan. On the whole I'm not, but I guess there are days when I don't hold up so well, and I just want to be in familiar arms. It'll be nice to be a toddler again, no? To be cuddled and fussed over.
Maybe it's because the nights and even the days get too quiet. I am so tempted to stray, to walk down a path I shouldn't. Just because.
Adults never plead, that's what I thought.
Adults, being adults, don't feel scared, I thought.
Today I realised that age has absolutely nothing to do with it.
And it's sweet that my grandfather wants to come down to Tokyo too when he heard that I'll be going to the hospital with my grandmother to see my grandaunt. Usually he doesn't go very far from home, but he will come out this time, not really for the purpose of sick-visiting, but to see me. :)
It's always very heart-warming when people are willing to put in some extra effort or to go the extra mile for me, because it means they think I'm worth the trouble. When I pause to review my life in the recent days, weeks, months, years... I realise I do have family and friends whom I care about, who care for me too. I have faith in my relationships, that the communication and affection is mutual. I feel loved. :)
Telling me to go to the hospital was her main purpose in calling, but we ended up talking for about nearly an hour about all sorts of things, ranging from umbrellas to my future to my brother. Apparently as preparation for my entrance into the working world (and freedom), when I return home my existing curfew of 10.30pm will be pushed back by half an hour! Hahaha. I found that damn funny, but it's good news to me. =p
Many times after I put down the phone with my mom, I want to let out a happy sigh ("aahhhhh") and just smile. Somehow I always feel very contented after such phone calls. :)
Grandmother
I can't go home... Yet part of me wants to. Sigh. But the bottom line is that I'm staying put.
I miss home.
Despite having not been in Japan in a decade, within the past four months Japan has begun to feel like a second home. From my point of view, it's because I've family and friends (old and new) here. Much as one likes the culture of another country, and manages to integrate well into society, it wouldn't necessarily feel like home without those familial relations. It would be like being utterly alone in the midst of a crowd, with a glass capsule holding one aloof from local activities, looking in from the outside, being a spectator. Home may be something one creates with concerted effort, and that may be especially true after one moves out of the family home. However, that's not for me, not yet anyway. Home is where the heart is. While I've got my heart here, a bigger part lies elsewhere. That's what will pull me back home to Singapore - the home base, you know?
Family aside, I just had a good chat with a good friend without him going MIA or anything like that. Home is small physically, but... I don't know how to phrase this. Has an abundance of love? Rich emotionally? Has bigness of heart? I miss home a little right now, but I'm not ready to go back. Not just yet. Six more months, give me six more months to see a world outside of home, then I'll be back heart and soul. Although, of course, I will leave some for the family here, and the friends who'll return to their own home countries. (^-^)v
