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I had the scariest class ever just now! I don't think that in my 13 or so years of education have I ever met such an intimidating/ eccentric/ intense/ sarcastic professor! Her voice is so loud, her remarks so scathing, it is a wonder how she can demand our participation yet produce an environment so unconducive to teacher-student engagement. From the get-go she was absolutely off her rockers. When I first noticed her, she was peering around the doorway, sticking her head in and out several times, always with the strangest expressions (I was imitating this for Yoon Jeong's benefit and she said it was like playing peekaboo with babies, but I swear her expression was nothing at all for babies). I thought she was some random person looking for a someone in the classroom, so imagine my disbelief when she finally decided to stop fooling around the door and strode straight to the teacher's desk.
Actually I'm one of those students who hate to stand out; I prefer to be a wallflower and melt into the background. The more invisible, the better. Most classes' grading methods indicate that class participation is required, but that is usually a joke, and participation = attendance. In this case, it really means participation. That alone is quite a turn-off to me, and her way of teaching is even more of a turn-off. Granted, she really knows her stuff and is adept at leading us the others towards the right train of thought, but I absolutely can't stand her methods. More than hate, I am scared of her. Whatever little knowledge I have of Economics flew right out of my brain after the holidays, and my heart was pounding in class hoping she won't train her eyes on me and expect me to answer a question. I couldn't wait for the class to end just so I could heave a sigh of relief.
Over dinner, I was suddenly reminded of a class which I'd managed to map but couldn't take because it clashed with one of my existing classes. Immediately after, I checked the schedule of that class, and lo and behold, it clashes with my scary Comparative Economics class! Since it is still within the add-drop period I shall sit in on that class next week, and if it's even marginally less stressful than Comparative Economics, I will take that and drop the class of Ms-Scary-Lecturer without a second thought. This is really one of the few times I have such an averse reaction to a class. Even though my backup class requires me to give presentations and write an 8-page term paper that accounts for 50% of my grade, I think an occasional pounding heart (for the presentations) is better than a twice-weekly trepidation (for so many weeks!). I can just imagine myself dreading every single lesson of Comparative Economics and feeling extremely stressed about it. Maybe some people will hang in there and try to conquer their fear, overcome the stress... but I'm really not out to prove anything. I shouldn't feel ashamed of wanting so badly to drop the class, right? Even if I'm considered a quitter or whatever by doing that, at least I protect my sanity. For the time being, I shall relinquish my claim of being supergirl. Nope, I am Kaori, the girl who is scared of loud-speaking, confidence-bashing and demanding professors.
I just want to fade into the background when it comes to classes. I will do my papers, the necessary readings, study hard and do well for exams. Just... let me be.
p.s. I'd noticed that in my last entry, I said this: "No matter how boring or how difficult the classes are, I have successfully mapped them, so by golly I will bear with whatever comes my way." In my own defense, with regards to this entry, I shall reiterate that my backup module has been mapped succesfully. :)
