If I were a Buddhist, or into Zen, I would think that human life is like being a leaf afloat on a stream, being carried down to god-knows-where by the current, taking things as they come, come what may. Subject to the whims and fancy of nature – of the wind, blowing me every which way; of animals, that may carry me out of the stream down another path; of ripples, that may overpower me and drag me down to the bottom of the stream…

But I am not into such analogies! I am a straight-talking person, saying things as they are instead of embellishing with frills and flounces. So here goes.

I am struck by the thought that perhaps I have changed so much to the extent that old friends will not be able to recognize me anymore. To look at me and then look right through me. "Where's the girl I used to know?" may be the thought that's uppermost on their minds. It worries me that there may not be a kernel of the old me that have stayed, that me as I am now may be someone my old friends can't identify with.

Harry Potter. Phoenix. Rising out of the ashes. Rebirth. Have I been too enthusiastic in throwing off the tethers that had bound me so tightly?

Yesterday I was talked into my first ever palm-reading session. I don't put much faith into tarot cards, palm-reading etc, but it's still interesting to hear what such so-called masters have to say about our lives. To a certain extent what he said was true – that I'm a very prideful person, idealistic, love good food, fiercely independent, have a way with guys. Other things he said I'm not very sure of – that I've a restless body and mind such that he sees lots of travelling and/or migration in the cards, that I need to be careful of my womb, intestines and stomach. But rebellious child? I don't think so. I've tried to be so good for so long… It took me so so so long to break out of the whole cycle, to stop being controlled by others.

When I finally find the freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I want, to experience new things… I question, I second-guess, I wonder.

What's in the cards for me in the future?