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What does it feel like to be disliked? To have people not wanting to initiate a conversation with you, to look very distracted when talking to you, to have them smile a very vague/distant smile… Which is better: to be ignorant of people's dislike, or to be in the know yet striving to be nonchalant and acting as per normal? I believe we all have our bias and preferences – whether or not we let them show is what differentiates prejudice from discrimination. … Sometimes it's a tough fight. Labels: hmm
If I were a Buddhist, or into Zen, I would think that human life is like being a leaf afloat on a stream, being carried down to god-knows-where by the current, taking things as they come, come what may. Subject to the whims and fancy of nature – of the wind, blowing me every which way; of animals, that may carry me out of the stream down another path; of ripples, that may overpower me and drag me down to the bottom of the stream… But I am not into such analogies! I am a straight-talking person, saying things as they are instead of embellishing with frills and flounces. So here goes. I am struck by the thought that perhaps I have changed so much to the extent that old friends will not be able to recognize me anymore. To look at me and then look right through me. "Where's the girl I used to know?" may be the thought that's uppermost on their minds. It worries me that there may not be a kernel of the old me that have stayed, that me as I am now may be someone my old friends can't identify with. Harry Potter. Phoenix. Rising out of the ashes. Rebirth. Have I been too enthusiastic in throwing off the tethers that had bound me so tightly? Yesterday I was talked into my first ever palm-reading session. I don't put much faith into tarot cards, palm-reading etc, but it's still interesting to hear what such so-called masters have to say about our lives. To a certain extent what he said was true – that I'm a very prideful person, idealistic, love good food, fiercely independent, have a way with guys. Other things he said I'm not very sure of – that I've a restless body and mind such that he sees lots of travelling and/or migration in the cards, that I need to be careful of my womb, intestines and stomach. But rebellious child? I don't think so. I've tried to be so good for so long… It took me so so so long to break out of the whole cycle, to stop being controlled by others. When I finally find the freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I want, to experience new things… I question, I second-guess, I wonder. What's in the cards for me in the future? Labels: hmm
This has been a busy week, what with late night activities and early morning interviews - everything passed by in a blur. And ended with feeling unwell. I've come to realise that going for interviews isn't necessarily a horrifying process (although I've met some interviewers who were so condescending and aggressive I could just punch their faces in); I've also realised that how well I perform at interviews tends to be positively correlated with my connection with the interviewers. If the person looks kindly, is friendly and seems to like me, I'm more likely to relax and open up more. It's a good feeling when the interviewer tells me on the spot that he's putting me through to the next round because he smells something in me (this comment nearly cracked me up!), and that he thinks my CV is impressive! In any case, I'm glad to take a break from this cycle for a while when I take off to Bangkok and gallivant through the streets and go crazy from shopping. Labels: hmm, relationships
I have come to realise that being well-behaved and easy-to-manage doesn't necessarily make a person more well-liked. Which is so ironic considering that one usually tries to be a model student/daughter/son etc to make things easier for others, and to curry favour or just be the apple of someone's eye. In fact, from opening my eyes and observing people, it seems that elders actually have a grudging respect for the more feisty people, those who can be mullish and bull-headed with fire in their eyes. Perhaps it's considered character. Labels: hmm, relationships
Memories, they're compressible. Labels: hmm
Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! Labels: hmm
Being sad makes us better writers, apparently. Labels: hmm
I live in my self-contained bubble. Labels: hmm
When I moved in I adopted two 'kids', and recently we added another baby to our collection - a little kitten we named Bottles! It's really like a menegerie in here, with two humans, two dogs and one kitten cohabiting under the same roof of a room. I love love love the kitten; I can't get enough of cuddling it, touching it, feeding it... I don't know what we did but its tummy has expanded to enormous sizes and it's not doing very well at the moment. Worried. But when punkie gets back we will take it to the vet even though we're both quite broke. We can't let our baby die just like that, can we? >.< I refuse to let it go so easily. You hear me Bottles? I will take care of you!
Hmm. I like animals because they're sensitive to our emotions. The usually cuddles-averse fatty will let my brother and I curl up with it in bed for a while when we're feeling especially upset. And the hyperactive kaiser waiser will sit between my legs and lick my tears away instead of pawing at me to play. Or sit beside me while I sleep on the sofa. Sometimes we just have to give credit where it's due. Animals may be a hell lotta trouble and be the source of our headaches, but there are always some redeeming qualities that makes us draw them close and cuddle them real tight at the end of the day.
On another note, life has been full of ups and downs both for myself and for my friends. But there's something about some of us that simply refuse to give up without a fight, without putting in a lot of tolerance and patience and determination. Rolling over and dying is not an option. Much as I understand that we say horrible things in a fit of anger, I also think that that is not an excuse to be wielded all the time to expect forgiveness. There's only so much we can take. What really matters is our objective, our strength of conviction. When we believe something like "I don't want to break up" and our partners are screaming separation during fights, we tend to be able to overlook that even if hurts, and tell ourselves that everything will be all right once we both calm down. Then we'll talk about not using that as a tool of warfare - it gets old after a while, and beyond that, it's not fighting fair.
Okay, that's enough verbal diarrhoea for a while. Till next time, buhbye!
There are times when I feel disappointed, but I don't really know if I have the right to feel that way. But from recent experiences I have become all too aware of my Achilles' heel, and with the slightest nudge in the right direction things just fall apart. You've seen my world - or me - fall apart time and again, but you're still right here with me. When I look at the tatters of my world around me, it comforts me to see that one pillar still standing strong, unaffected by the debris.
And so we have weathered five months together. We've had our ups and downs, and silly little quarrels over bags and lack of pockets in pants... In retrospect they're kinda funny, and add some colour to our relationship. I'm happy happy happy. But let's not have too much of such colour, okay? :)
Most of the time I can squeeze them into the littlest shape possible and tuck them away in a discreet corner high up - out of sight, out of mind.
Memories, they're also expandable.
Other times they roll out of their designated space, engorge to the largest size possible and smack me right in the heart.
Unbidden, images form in my mind, and I wish for the times when all I had to do was walk a few steps and I'd be able to find company. We can have second homes, third homes, fourth homes... They all don't really matter that much if we look at the four walls around ourselves and find that we're truly and utterly alone.
It feels as though the past two weeks have been a whirlwind of activity, what with late-night outings, cleaning up after the pee monsters, bringing them down, doing the laundry, school assignments, trainings, ad-hoc jobs assignments, nua-ing... I've been inordinately busy! >.<
I was just doing a spot of facebook-stalking when I saw that someone I know has been going around shopping for the perfect wedding gown. It makes me think that we're at the stage where we're moving into a new phase of our lives - getting attached, getting married, graduating, moving out... whatever! It only serves to remind me that we don't stay in the same niche all our lives, and that there will always be times when we're rudely shoved out of what we'd territorially considered OUR spots into something entirely new.
Sometimes I worry that I won't be able to keep up with the changes, or that under the veneer of perfection (or at least a high degree of comfort and contentment) cracks will slowly surface and extend spider-like to the whole of my existence. And there's also the search for the sense of belonging - where is my place in life? Or just my place?
... I've been procrastinating. Some things I just don't know where to start from, how to go about doing them. But when I put those thoughts out of my mind, shelved for further procrastination, I'm happy. I'm a big girl making my own decisions, and living with the consequences of my actions. I can do this. :)
Yet for all that I want to be a better writer, I would not exchange my happiness for sadness.
Such an exchange would not be worth it.
Every once in a while, someone comes along.
With his/her alien thoughts and questions.
Poke-poke-poking holes in my bubble.
