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Exams suck. But suckier is the person who cannot handle the paper.
In all my schooling years, I've never felt so clueless or so stupid as this semester! Okay, maybe except in Secondary 3 and 4 when I was equally lost about Physics. But this is a very bad time for my brains to go. With each successive setback or loss of morale, I feel a more urgent need to graduate. PRONTO. Escapism, perhaps, but I'm starting to detest school more and more. I know, I know - when I was doing well it was manageable. Such is the way of life - we abhor what we are not good at.
And it sucks that there's not really anyone to talk to about my schooling catastrophe. I can't tell my parents because they might get upset or disappointed. I can't tell my non-Economics-major friends because they won't understand the administrative redtape, my problems with the specific modules. I can't tell my Economics-major friends much because they're not close friends and they might gossip. Hell, I myself don't even understand why the f*** I'm doing so badly this semester. So how can I even hope to explain to anyone else?
I like driving. Zooming home to sulk after a bad paper, knowing that even if I'm not in full control of my academic affairs, I'm in the driver's seat (literally) for that 20 minutes or so. It is nice to have control firmly within my grasp, knowing what I'm doing, knowing that I'll be able to achieve my goal (in this case, to get myself home in one piece in double-quick time). And so, minute by minute, as I was alone in the car, I pieced myself together. Back at my carpark, backing in and out trying to get the car in the ideal position, experiencing difficulties sometimes and stalling once (just like a noob!)... Then I realised that the difficulty arose because I was trying to reverse without releasing the handbrake.
I could only smile wryly.
I guess control slips from me sometimes.
